Thursday, July 16, 2009

Normally I don't do this...

I normally post something funny about "To Tell or Not To Tell" and confess all my sins to you blogger friends. Or I might tell some funny antidote that happened with my kids. I might even pass on information of something i like.

But not today.

The past 10 days have been horrible for me. Bad news after bad news. The list goes on. I won't bore you with all the details. Frankly...it wears me out.

The latest news came yesterday when we found out my son has to have surgery Friday. This will be his #19 surgery since New Years Day, 2008. It doesn't make it any easier having been through it so many times. It doesn't become "routine". As a parent you still worry. It is really the worst feeling to be so helpless when your child is sick or hurting. No "Mommy's kiss" can fix it. No Band aid can heal it. No ice pack can smooth it over and no Ice Cream can make the tears go away.

I have tried to tell myself, it's not my fault. Not my fault that he was born a preemie. Not my fault that if only he had "finished cooking" inside, everything would be fine.

My son was having a hard day when he learned he had to go back in, and was wondering "why" him? I had to explain to him that I would stand in front of a moving truck for him. That I would trade bodies or take a bullet for him. If only I could. And I was pretty surprised how quickly the tears came to the surface as I said these things. Which led me to think about why. Why I feel so helpless to help him.

How is it the strongest bond in the world is the relationship between a mother and her child? Even in Nature...a mother bird will attack to protect her nest of eggs. A Mother Lion will attack and kill for her cubs. I never really knew a true love until my children were born. I mean, I love my DH and all, and at the time of marriage, I did believe that was true love. But when you have a baby, it all changes. Instant love. Without even knowing the personality traits, we as mothers look at our newborn child for the first time and we are hooked. For life.

Have you imagined life without children? Would it be as fulfilled as it is now? Less stressed or more stressed? Boring or traveling? Apartment or Home? SUV or Convertible? Rich or Poor?

I wouldn't trade anything in this life for my children. They make the world go round, and after all...what more is there after that?
XOXO

1 comment:

Tooj said...

Just from your stories about his ball playing, I'd say you were blessed. The stories reflect happiness, health, enjoying life. Never would I have guessed he's endured that many surgeries, but knowing it....WOW. He's endured all this, AND he's getting to live a normal boyhood. That's amazing Cindy....it really is. Just think of it....and it goes without saying, as I'm sure you've already done it, other kids go through less and still are restricted to doing less.

I find the bonds between mother and child odd at times. I look at O.J. and wonder...sheesh, you GET ON MY NERVES, CHILD. He's really horrible sometimes, I do not exaggerate. But then...sometimes, like this morning, I sat him down at school to eat and the other kids flocked to the table, like vultures, waiting for a morsel of his food. I wanted to shove them away so that my baby got HIS. Mind you these kids are only 1-2 years old. LOL But that instinct...I was surprised at myself and had to leave.

As your son grows older, he'll really learn what it is you did for him, how you have been there, how you continued to fight to help him gain that "stable existence"....whatever THAT is. Smile, woman, it's Friday. :)